Birth and Death of A Wave

Today, I caressed the shore.

My bare feet,

Cut by a thousand tiny white shells.

I could feel the sting but no blood fell.

The pain softened by cool waters and colder sand.

Against the backdrop of sun

I placed myself in exile.

Hoping to learn comfort and ease

And make a friend of myself for a while.

Under a broad-rimmed black hat,

I felt my bare skin

Against the blowing silks of my dress.

I found a spot among the dunes and sat.

Holding a large  white beach rock

I feel the weight of regret across my palm.

Watching the white-breasted gulls,

Slice across the cloud-crusted sky.

I call one down to be witness

To every tear drop I cry.feetinwaves

With the ends of my red hair soaked by the splash of rain,

I watch wave after wave roll into the shore.

I will whisper all of my sins,

Into the dying waves and cool wind

Until my regrets are no more.

Paws

lion

 

I always wanted a lion,

To hold me and watch over me

As I sleep.

 

It is Tuesday Night:

We’re at the bar,

Drinking lemon drop shots.

 

Lion tells me dirty jokes,

And farts terribly.

We give to each other

Our worst tales.

 

How it was on

My way to Paris.

I got lost,

Then abducted,

By an Eleveur de Moutons.

He tied my ankles to his plough

And made love to me like a bear.

 

Lion tells me of sleepy grasslands,

Along the Ruaha.

A good life ‘til his enemies came.

With his long legs and thick black mane,

He tore off in chase,

At a bounding pace.

His Lady Love,

Devoured whole.

 

We commiserate and cry together.

This is how we fight our War.

 

Lion takes me home

And puts me to bed.

Soft velvet paws across my sleepy eyes

“You will fall down sometimes.”

He warns

“Just don`t stay there.”

 

‘Til next Tuesday:

 

My Lion.

My Prophet.

My friend.

 

 

 

We Held A Conversation That Changed Us

It is another Sunday morning.

You, my dear, are held in sweet slumber;

Dreaming of girls in gold masks reciting poetry.

Waking, you find me in the yellow kitchen

Slowly stirring thick honey and cream

Into your favourite coffee.

The white shift I’m wearing and the black curls around my neck

Are steamy and soft.

I roll your morning cigarettes

To the timpani of Ravel’s Bolero.

Looking out onto the lake, you keep your daydreams private.

I press myself up against the cool of the window,

Tracing maps into the frost for the birds.

Later we will hold hands across the breakfast table.

We will use care when taking long looks

Into each other’s eyes.

“What if we had a child?” I ask

The question rips the silence between us apart.

By the way your brown eyes drop down into your lap

I know I have started a conversation that will change us.

“I carry some terrible thoughts,” you say.

“I grew up in a home where I was tolerated, but not loved.

That does not make the stuff of fatherhood.”

In your answer and in your reply

I see the limits our love has reached

When I iron your pin-striped shirt before work,

I’ll slip the truth into its pocket.

Later, on the train to the office

With the sun streaking bright through the window

You’ll read the words I’ve scrawled:

“When you get home, I will be gone.

I see now that I attract broken hearts and the time to end this curse has come.”

 

 

Nocere: to do harm (lat.)

It is my heart

You scare

Inside the

Black Booth

Sits the chair

Purple ribbons

Tied Cleverly

Round my

Very small knees

We play parlour games

Only three rules

And Odds are I lose

Eight cards are spread

My Tarot is read

The Tower is drawn

The Worst Yet to Come

Bites like lightning across my flesh

Your hands round my neck

And I have lost my breath

I have lost my breath

Next the red dice

A dog’s throw

The smart of the blow

From your spoon

Across my breasts

And I have lost my breath

I have lost my breath

Round three

Will I meet the unseen?

Cornmeal across the floor

The veve is drawn

Maman Brigitte through the door

She binds me with curses

I twist in my seat

Black rum down my throat

Your dark laugh as I choke

And I have lost my breath

I have lost my breath

I beg for an early mercy

Your games so unworldly

The pleasure is all yours

It takes me two weeks to repair

And then I am back on that chair

 

I felt thirsty when reading your words;

I wished I could taste you, and fill my chest with your scent;

your scent behind your ears, between your legs,

There is something in your eyes that when I look at them, I’d tell myself -every single time- “I wish I could fuck her tonight; like an animal.”

Do you know what i mean?

I am just a plain guy; maybe even naive. I am kind and caring; genuinely caring. And I don’t lie or pretend to get away with what I want. I guess that may be my strength. I am sane and civilized, yet deeeeeeeeply primal; thirsty, hungry, but not for food or a drink.

Do you know what I mean?

No friction; I bury my face between your legs; you swallow my manhood… I wish I could fuck you tonight. Every minute of it.

I wish I could ravish you tonight.
To worship and ravage you at the same time; head to toes.

Long time ago. Long story…I am scared of whatever it is that people call love. Not even sure it exists.

I’m hungry, thirsty.

I want to take my tongue, my lips, my nose, my fingers, my hands, my body, my mind, my cock….to an out of this worldly feast…

I’d want to take you like an animal; to eat you like a hungry dog; to mount you like a bull, a horse, an animal that is reduced to his swollen balls and erect manhood; to his hormones.

I want your legs; I want you to swallow me inside you, between your legs; I want to suffocate myself with your lips…

I want to make you very sore and swollen between your legs when the morning finally comes but deeeeply pleasured, satisfied, and fulfilled.

Summer Swallowed.

You DIED

Before that, you were

ALL THAT WAS

 

All that my eyes could fathom

With your pale skin

And skull tattoo

You shaved your head

 

Punkrock you said.

 

I was a seed

Sweating, tanned & freckly

We sat on the beach:

You read Kerouac out loud to me while we sipped stale beer and listened to Watts

And I did a silly dance

Bringing that secret smile

To your face

Your smell, all salty and warm. I was close enough to hear your breath.

You lit a joint and I asked and you said no, it was not good for me.

We were silent for a while and just listened to the waves

You told me things you never said before.

About surfing and how it made you feel like you were alive when really you were dead-en-side

About the time Lisa Jones’ window was open and you snuck-in to fuck her and her Step-dad walked in.

I chewed on the straw-

My soda all gone

You stopped talking and pointed to spots where the sun left me pale; rubbed a finger slowly along my shoulders and then to the darkened skin across my belly.

And then you put your mouth full onto mine and I felt your lips and your tongue.

I stopped breathing.

I gasped a little

Shivered and Shook.

Our first and only kiss

Tasted like cotton candy

 

Then you took to the blue water

You looked like the fastest white leopard

Kicking up sand while you ran

 

Looking back, you waved at your girl

I had only a second to look

Before the waters swallowed you whole

 

You never did wait for me.

 

You always said

You were not meant for the world

That death just be another phase

 

I still cry too easily

I still look at that shore

 

When I drive by now

In my mind

I see us as young

You: sad and world weary

Me: caught-up and naive

And Yet:

Somehow I always knew you would go.

 

 

 

The Fever.

Can you remember this?

The last time you fell ill?

To battle fevers and body pain and sore limbs

Why would YOU choose that?

To be

Restless

Alone

and

Sad

Sitting alone and bored in some random clinic

Clock watching, texts to no one home….

No one cares…..

To really feel alone

Waiting for the hope anti-bodies/biotics could bring?

Fat eyed-secretaries and heavy-shoed nurses

Could care less about you….

Chose ME instead

To be tender with you,

Holding your hand

Distractions

Cute Stories and Dirty Jokes

Whispered into your aching ears

We would laugh

At your VIRUS

Or I would keep you at Home

In bed with me

Softly cover you with kisses

And rub the ache right out of your body

So you can forget

What it feels like

To Be Alone

And Sick

Easier & Better For You

I would learn how to hide from you.

We ran through all the rooms

Where Nothing Ever Happens

Until You Found Me

Crouching and Spying

On You

Your firm hands

Jerking back and forth

There are photos of me…

Bare-breasted

And Bent Over

And Open Mouthed

Staring out my bed-room curtain

I was startled

and

Could not believe my eyes

So Big

So Hard

Pumping Away at the Sight of Me?

You hear my knees punch the floor

Looking Over Your Shoulder…

Turning to find Me…

With big eyes lowered

And a secret smile on my face…..